Sarah Gump

he August 2009 Runner’s World interview and accompanying photos of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin pretty much prove, literally, that she’s ditching her governorship to focus instead on her Forrest Gump-like passion for “run-ni-ing-g,” whether that may be “run-ni-ing-g” for the 2012 Presidential Election (which I’m almost hoping will happen strictly for the material she’ll provide all humorists), or “run-ni-ing-g” for a position as a rightist Oprah talk show host who will frequently feature segments on maximizing the BumpIt™ and how to partner the latest rimless eyewear fashions with hot pants and ASICS®.

And how to do yoga poses while still looking like a lipsticked hockey mom that could obliterate a moose at a moment’s notice.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, please enjoy this excerpt from Sarah Gump’s Runners’ World interview, in which she uses hard-hitting descriptives like “crappy” and totally rips the McCain staff a new one for not letting her upstage him run everyday.

If you go a day or a week without running, what do you learn about yourself?
I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it’s always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity. A great frustration I had during the campaign was when the McCain staff wouldn’t carve out time for me to go for a run. The days never went as well if I couldn’t get out there and sweat.

Did you raise that issue, and put the ultimatum down that you needed to run?
Absolutely, and they would say, “Yes, in a couple of days we’re going to start carving out that half-hour or hour to run,” and too often it never happened, and that was frustrating.

I’m sure there are some people who are gonna take the “Sarah Palin likes it hot and sweaty” thing and run with it. Pun intended.

(*Initial “T” found HERE)

Riders on the Storm…

By far my favorite news snippet of the day (from CNN. com):

Push to make porn star a senator no stunt, fan says

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (CNN) – Fans of porn star Stormy Daniels are drafting her to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican Sen. David Vitter. And it’s no racy gimmick, they say.

Stormy is "best suited" to fulfill the senatorial duties, so says the DSc

The Draft Stormy Web site says that “2010 presents the Pelican State with the opportunity to start with a clean slate — to elect a representative that we can be proud of, who will work tirelessly, and who will challenge the status quo. We at the Draft Stormy campaign feel that Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels is best suited to fulfill these duties.”

I realize that, lately, Washington has proven a bit underwhelming in the “representatives we can be proud of” category (President Obama notwithstanding, of course), but… I can’t help but think that the Draft Stormy campaigners are serious fans of hyperbole because, “will work tirelessly” I’ll definitely let slide, but “best suited”? really? OK, to be fair, let’s hear the DSc out:

The Draft Stormy campaign was started by New Orleans resident and Daniels fan Zack Hudson, who insists it’s for real. Daniels, 29, isn’t affiliated with a party but is embracing the idea of a possible candidacy. ”Originally, the focus wasn’t even about making me as a candidate,” Daniels said. “I think it was about bringing attention to the Senate race in general. Then the response was overwhelmingly positive. And I think everyone is just running with it.”

She said she’s planning a “listening tour” around Louisiana to talk about a range of matters, including the economy — which along with women in business and protection of children are the three issues listed on her Web site. When told Vitter can be a tough opponent, she said she’s “always up for a good fight. I think anyone that knows me … is more than aware of that,” Daniels said. “Politics can’t be any dirtier of a job than the one I am already in.”

Touché Stormy, touché. And I mean, hey, the whole “listening tour” thing seems like a nice learning experience for you — and might equate to more vetting than Sarah Palin had before she opened her big, unintelligent mouth in the public spotlight. So, who knows? It could totally work for you.  

But the Draft Stormy campaign becomes even more entertaining when we consider the Republican senator whom she’ll be battling. Let’s learn a bit more about Senator Vitter:

Senator Vitter is very sorry

Vitter is famous — or infamous — for his link to the “D.C. Madam,” the woman who ran a prostitution ring. Elected to the Senate in 2004, he admitted to “a very serious sin in my past” in July 2007 after his phone number turned up in records of an escort service run by the late Deborah Jeane Palfrey, known as the D.C. Madam. 

Running for re-election, Vitter said his wife has forgiven him and is banking on the same sentiment from his constituents. Will the Draft Stormy move mean stormy weather for Vitter?

The senator’s office didn’t return calls by CNN. But a spokesman for the state GOP said voters “are concerned with real issues that affect their everyday lives and not with political or publicity stunts.”

If the Daniels campaign is meant to remind voters of Vitter’s D.C. Madam link, the move could backfire. Clancy DuBos, political director of the New Orleans alternative newspaper Gambit, said Vitter is a brilliant politician with a campaign war chest worth $2 million.

“You are going to need someone better than a porn star, or a lap dancer, or a sex worker to nail David Vitter on this,” DuBos said. “You need a serious opponent who is himself, or herself, not guilty of something like that to say, ‘Let’s talk about family values, shall we?’ “

Low blow, DuBos. Family values, sheesh. Not everyone has a family for whom they establish values, duh. Way to be mean to the grass-roots girl with the pasties. As the DSc states: 

“We eschew partisanship and labels, instead judging our leaders on their integrity, character and effectiveness.”

So there.

Dave Navarro is not Stormy's campaign manager, but that could be fun

592.5-and-a-third bajillion ways to ensure blog traffic jams at intersections of boob flashing and Oprah appearances. Also: make money!

1)  Spotted: doggies taking dumps on lawns that are not theirs. Owners looking at their cellphones, pretending not to notice.

Discuss.

17.4) Why, when we want to stand up for something, do we stage sit-ins?

Discuss.

648 ÷ 3) If “Joe the Plumber” had plumber’s butt (which, let’s face it, he does. ALL plumbers do. It’s like a pre-requisite), then would McPalin call him “Joe the Plumber’s Butt”? Because that would create grammatical confusion, causing the listening public to think that McPalin were talking specifically about “Joe the Plumber”’s posterior… rather than generally about “Joe the Plumber,” who just so happens to suffer from plumber’s butt. See what I’m sayin’? And I know that Palin isn’t exactly a fan of grammar (not ENGLISH grammar anyway, as far as I can tell), but I still can’t help but wonder if maybe they’d change the reference to “Joe Plumber-Butt.”

Discuss.

578 + ∏) Chew on this: In his Intimate Journals, the nineteenth-century French poet Charles Baudelaire (arguably the first “modern poet” of our time) questioned: “What is Love?” Clearly not a fan of rhetorical questions, Baudelaire then supplied the answer, which he then amended with a thoughtful syllogism:

What is Love?
The need to emerge from oneself.
Man is an animal which adores.
To adore is to sacrifice and prostitute oneself.
Thus all Love is prostitution.

That’s right: we are all prostitutes. Which leads me to ask: WHERE THE HELL’S MY MONEY, B*TCH?!? But… I *am* a fan of rhetorical questions. So, let’s move on, shall we? (don’t answer that — it’s rhetorical)

Just in case you weren’t sufficiently shocked-and-awed by that little Love=Prostitution equation, my dear Baudie chose to go one step further by stating:

The most prostitute of all beings is the Supreme Being, God Himself, since for each man he is the friend above all others; since he is the common, inexhaustible found of Love.

Discuss.

Wait, before you discuss, please allow me to share that I freakin’ LOVE Baudelaire, and throwing a few uncontextualized lines at you essentially equates to a crime of poetics, but… hey, I’m already a prostitute and on the road to eternal hell-fire, so… I don’t give a sh*t.

OK. Now discuss.

∜177,410,282,401) If McPalin wins tomorrow, and if I decide to find a job in Canada and/or Europe (as a direct result of the McPalin win), would that make me a quitter/ex-patriot, or just really freakin’ smart?

(*Note: if you are questioning my smarts re: becoming an émigrée, I’d like to point very strongly — as strongly as a finger can point — to the movie Sicko, which basically proves that the American healthcare system blows chunks and rapes us any chance it gets. Meanwhile, Frenchies are getting free nannies and a bajillion months off from work and free laundry service and free classes for sophisticatedly tying scarves and free pastry-making workshops and… the list goes on. I mean, seriously, Michael Moore might as well have called the movie Why Americans Are F*cking R*tarded For Still Living in America. I say this with the utmost amount of love and respect for my country. Which George W. has f*cked.)

Discuss.

592.5-and-a-third bajillion) I know a guy whose favorite flavor Starburst Fruit Chew is pink. OK, wait, that’s a color, not a flavor. What flavor is pink in the original Starburst pack? Strawberry, right? And then the red Starburst is cherry? Which I don’t really get, because, I mean, if you compare strawberries and cherries, couldn’t you make the argument that sometimes strawberries are a darker shade of red than cherries? I mean, strawberries aren’t PINK, right? So why’d they get the shaft and have to have the sucky pink wrapper, huh? Though, I guess strawberry yogurt and strawberry ice cream are pink rather than red. Whatever. I just don’t like pink. It’s, like, my LEAST-favorite Starburst, actually. Also, I’ve never heard of ANYONE who privileged the pink Starburst. I’d say the most common preference is for Red/Cherry. And this general Red/Cherry predilection has suited me very well — particularly when snacking on the ‘Bursts at a movie theatre — because my personal favorites are Orange and Yellow, preferably together (oh yeah, I am WILD with the fruit chews, baby. STEP. OFF.). 

Discuss.

And, oh yeah, this is another listless Monday. Anna, represent. Word.

Sarah Palin loves Johnny Hallyday. Duh.

f you haven’t already heard about this and/or haven’t actually heard the phone call, you seriously need to click “PLAY” on the video player below. Trust me. You won’t regret it. Especially if you enjoy pranks on Sarah Palin. Particularly, pranks that involve a Québecois comedy duo pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy…and SP totally falling for it…for, like, more than five minutes.

I hope you enjoy this little tidbit of pre-election humor. Uh, at the Republicans’ expense. Hee hee.

Inappropriate Baby Attire, version 2.0

ore freaky-deaky clothing that appears to be created more for certain adults’ sick sense of humor than for innocent, little baby minds that can’t even pronounce the word “gross” and voice their discontent. I mean, yes, OK, I’ll admit: a couple of the onesie designs I’m about to show you did make me chuckle a bit; however, that’s precisely the point: they’re intended for adults. Wait — did I just call myself an “adult”?! That’s a gross exaggeration in itself. But anyway, my point is that we shouldn’t use our kids as our own humoristic-verging-on-sick-and-perverted marketing ploys.

So then, allow me to introduce my second inaugural

INAPPROPRIATE BABY ATTIRE 

pog, this time courtesy of TShirtHell.com:

Decent Arab. Oxymoron?

t’s been all over the news already and referenced by political analysts and late night talk show hosts alike: at a recent campaign rally for the Republican Presidential nominee, a white-haired McPalinist woman by the name of Gayle Quinnell proclaimed, “He’s an Arab,” in reference to Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama. McCain swiftly stole back the microphone and corrected Quinnell in an unmistakably flustered (and stuttered) fashion:“No, ma’am,” McCain stated. “He’s a decent family man –citizen– that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. And that’s what this campaign is all about. He’s not. Thank you.” (You can watch the video of the exchange HERE)

Now, that’s all well and good, and there’s little doubt that McMuppet really did possess genuine, good intentions and truly does consider Obama a “decent family man –citizen,” but… umm… well… I suppose I just wasn’t aware that being a “decent family man –citizen” and being an Arab were mutually exclusive? I guess I’m just ill-informed.

But you know what else I found out, from one of my very dearest, most cherished friends, who just so happens to be an Arab? He was ill-informed, too!!!! He didn’t know that “decent Arab” was an oxymoron! We’re so naive and sheltered. I guess we’ve been studying at the wrong university. And I guess my friend grew up in a pseudo-Arab culture or something. Sucks to be us. I wonder if Gayle Quinnell offers online courses in cultural awareness? I’ll have to look into it.

Anyway, it’s just completely frustrating and infuriating to witness such a blatant lack of regard for any individual (let alone an entire ethnic group) that does not subscribe to the stereotypically WASPy notions of “decency.” 

Fortunately, we have CNN journalist Campbell Brown (host of CNN’s “Campbell Brown: Election Center”), who did not shrink back from addressing the ignorance (and racism) and the hatred fueled by such careless comments as the one uttered by McCain at his rally, nor did she mince words when acknowledging the media’s guilt as well. Brown states:

Now, I commend Sen. McCain for correcting that woman, for setting the record straight. But I do have one question — so what if he was? So what if Obama was Arab or Muslim? So what if John McCain was Arab or Muslim? Would it matter?

When did that become a disqualifier for higher office in our country? When did Arab and Muslim become dirty words? The equivalent of dishonorable or radical? Whenever this gets raised, the implication is that there is something wrong with being an Arab-American or a Muslim. And the media is complicit here, too. 

We’ve all been too quick to accept the idea that calling someone Muslim is a slur.

I feel like I am stating the obvious here, but apparently it needs to be said: There is a difference between radical Muslims who support jihad against America and Muslims who want to practice their religion freely and have normal lives like anyone else. 

We can’t tolerate this ignorance — not in the media, not on the campaign trail.

Of course, he’s not an Arab. Of course, he’s not a Muslim. But honestly, it shouldn’t matter. (Source: CNN.com)

Debatin’ (drink) with Sarah Palin (drink)!

f I were a drinkin’ girl and didn’t have a cr@pload of gradin’ to do tonight, I’d enforce a drinkin’ game for the VP Debate that involves takin’ a drink every time Sarah Palin disses the “g” on words endin’ in the “-ing” suffix.

Example: “Ya know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause I can’t even tell ya one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve been elected mayor of the great town ‘a Wasilla, Alaska.”

Gun-totin' (drink) Palin (drink)!

If you wanna (drink) get REALLY crazy, you could take a drink every time she says “ya” or shortens any word into a slacked-off version of its correct usage. An’ (drink) if ya (drink) wanna (drink) go ahead ‘n (drink) try that game, the above quote would be lookin’ (drink) somethin’ (drink) like this:

Example: ”Ya (drink) know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause (drink) I can’t even tell ya (drink) one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve (drink) been elected mayor of the great town ‘a (drink) Wasilla, Alaska.”

Ya (drink) know what? I’m actually beginnin’ (drink) to have doubts that her last name is really “Palin.” For all we know, it’s really PALING, and she’s just bein’ (drink) lazy.

How Epcot may save Sarah Palin…

s the stocks rumble and tumble and stumble and Bryant Gumbel (?!), I figured everyone could use a little pick-me-up. Or should I say a pick-YOU-up? Oh, whatever.

In any case, it is my sincere hope that some of you find the following at least a little chuckle-worthy. Consider it my 2008 Stock Market Crash Gift, especially for you. I know I know, you don’t have to tell me how kind and generous I am.

So, here’s the scoop: the one Onion that doesn’t cause me indigestion exclusively reports that Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is turning to Walt Disney World’s Epcot Center for comprehensive foreign policy cramming before the big Vice Presidential Debate on Thursday night. Word on the street is that she and her cronies plan to bribe Joe Biden and their debate audience with small toys from the Japan Pavilion’s ”The Kitahara Collection of Tin-Toys.” We’re onto you, S-Pay.

Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot
SEPTEMBER 29, 2008

ORLANDO, FL—Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin sought to silence those who have criticized her lack of foreign affairs experience Tuesday by announcing plans for a weeklong, 10-nation tour of Walt Disney World’s Epcot. According to Palin, the trip—her first past Frontierland—will include speaking engagements at Norway’s famous Viking ride, sausages at Germany’s Kaufhaus, and, time permitting, a fact-finding mission to Future World. “This ambitious trip should finally demonstrate that I am ready to assume the vice presidency, whether by standing in long lines at Morocco’s Tangierine Café or by sitting down face-to-face with Mexico’s Three Caballeros,” Palin announced during a campaign stop outside a Chinese restaurant in Tulsa, OK. “All of our neighbors deserve good diplomacy, from the Universe of Energy down to the French pavilion.” Palin also promised a visit to the American Adventure exhibit before returning home, adding that she hoped to learn more about her own nation and the diverse peoples within. (Source: THE ONION.COM)

“I can see Russia from my house!”

 

lease tell me that you saw the intro to Saturday Night Live last night, where the always brilliant Tina Fey gave a DEAD-ON Sarah Palin impersonation! Holy cr*p. Sheer brilliance. Amy Poehler stood by her side as Hillary Clinton, appropriately dressed in “Democratic blue” in opposition to SP’s “Republican red” tailored suit. Well, in case you actually had something better to do than zone out in front of your TV at 11:30 on a Saturday night, allow me:

(Saturday, 9/13/08)

Too delicious not to share!

Republican exploitation of Americans’ attention deficit…

his campaign season is wrecking me. Completely and (I fear) irrevocably wrecking me. Now, it would be one thing if it were only wrecking me. That I could handle — I’m used to it. But, as it turns out, everyone I talk to seems similarly disenchanted about how all of this is evolving — or devolving, as the case may be. It’s not just me. It’s EVERYONE. So, the fact that the two presidential contenders are in a virtual dead-heat only knocks my head against the wall even harder. 

I wasn’t going to write anymore about politics — at least until the debates started — because I am so incredibly outraged and disappointed with the exploitation of utter absurdities that have absolutely no business gaining even 1/100th of the media coverage that they’ve managed to garner. And it’s no secret that all of these absurdities — ALL OF THEM — surround John McCain’s vice presidential pick.

Prior to the announcement of “Sarah Palin for Vice President,” McCain was giving press conferences in front of sausage “haus”es and supermarkets. Now, let’s juxtapose McCain’s “sausage haus” speech with Barack Obama’s speech to a German audience of 200,000 people. Umm… hello? Granted, yes, the Republicans are obviously  clamoring for the small-town-blue-collar-hockey-mom vote. I get it. But, come on. If Obama’s campaign trail made a stop at a sausage haus, you can bet that thousands would show by word-of-mouth alone. The turnout for a McCain speech was positively dismal. And with good reason, I’d say. Objectively speaking, McCain’s forte lies NOT in his oration, “my friends.” He is awkward and uninspiring and sterile. Not to mention repetitive, “my friends.”

But now… ooooohhhhh, but NOW… SP has entered the game. And her entry has highlighted exactly that: the game-ness of it. The competition. The pitbull nature (with or without lipstick, I don’t give a rat’s A) of the Republican spindoctors who, rather than speak to Americans’ intellects and best interests, instead focus on the media- and technology-inflicted A.D.D. that now runs rampant in our culture. I’ll hand it to the Republicans: they are d@mn good at “strategery.” And they often get away with it. Which, unfortunately, doesn’t say a whole hell of a lot about us as Americans, because it means that we fall for their evasive (and divisive) drivel. So, realizing that Johnny Mac can’t hold the attention of 15 people in front of a sausage haus, his campaign managers understand that he needs some type of electric boost. A distraction, if you will, to transfer Americans’ attention OFF of the near-death, monotone Presidential candidate and ONTO something attractive and time-consuming. Because, let’s face it, McCain could definitely use some borrowed time. In a lot of areas. 

So the self-proclaimed maverick, Johnny Mac, surprises us all (and even surprises his own staff) by selecting a little-known conservative, female governor from Alaska, named Sarah Palin. Emphasis on “conservative,” and double the emphasis on “female.” And let’s not forget young-ish and attractive, which shouldn’t matter, but both campaigns and the media keep shoving it in our faces. And, ooh, what a small-town family unit, those Palins. They attend church and don’t get abortions and they even hunt together! Exactly the complement McCain was looking for. Except I don’t even think he (or his advisors) could have predicted the snowball effect that his VP pick has had. What’s the saying? “There’s no such thing as bad publicity?” Well… I wish that could be proven untrue in this case. But, if anything, the obsessive coverage of all things Palin has only proven that it is unfailingly true.

The American public’s attention is drawn to the sensational. The very morning after a celebrity’s politician’s picture is leaked, a phrase is uttered, a testimonial from a hometown member is received, the VERY NEXT MORNING, we can find it on a thousand blogs and plastered on the cover of all of the pop-culture and political magazines, whether in print or televised media. The Republican camp knows that, if it’s in our face, we’ll consume it. And Sarah Palin is nowhere BUT in our face. Which is just how McCain wants it. Because we certainly weren’t interested in HIM staring us down all over the place. And he knows that. And he saw those earlier polls where Obama had a distinct lead. And he saw the electricity and inspiration fostered by an Obama speech. And he (and his campaign staff) knew he couldn’t stand a chance next to Obama… unless something brighter and shinier entered stage left. 

Enter Sarah Palin. And now we’re feeding off of that entry and everything that could possibly come along with it. Her daughter’s a pregnant teenager? SHOW ME THE PICTURE! Her youngest son has Down Syndrome? TELL ME THE STORY! She’s a hockey mom? HOLY HELL, SHE’S ONE OF US! She lied about earmarks and supporting the “Bridge to Nowhere?” TELL ME MORE CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENTS ABOUT THIS WOMAN WE KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT! She tried to ban books when she was mayor of a town of 8,000 people? WHAT ELSE CAN YOU FEED ME? She thinks gays can/should be converted by Christian education? YES, THIS IS THE EXACT JUICE I NEEDED!!!!!

But, I’m sorry, what? What was that? We know nothing about her stance on foreign affairs or the economy or the war in Iraq or THE ECONOMY or THE WAR IN IRAQ or THE ECONOMY or THE WAR IN IRAQ or…?!?!?!?!? Oh yeeeaaaah… I forgot that the majority of the world now detests the U.S.A. due to the fact that our President for the past 8 years managed to make possibly every wrong decision he could, thereby turning us into imperialistic occupiers that many people now despise. Lovely. Oh, and we’re on the verge of a recession. Fabulous. Oh yeah, and millions of Americans have no health insurance. Stupendous. I could keep going, but my personal wreckage is already overwhelming…

I wish everyone would just stop. JUST STOP. Pause. Take a breath. Refocus. Dilate your eyes. Do whatever you need to observe the landscape logically, cautiously, slowly, and with a keen eye on the future of our country and where we are currently headed. This has nothing to do with hockey or pitbulls or, for crying out loud, LIPSTICK. This has nothing to do with Joe Biden coming from Scranton or Sarah Palin coming from Wasilla. It has to do with the PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES first and foremost. And it also has to do with credentials, convictions, practical solutions to current problems and the prioritization of those problems, how decisions are made (*ahem* including Vice Presidential picks), etc. etc.. This is the meat we SHOULD be consuming. And if we could just sit still and look straight ahead rather than sideways, up and down, and backward at all of the glittering fluff that so often (strategically) causes our attention deficit… the dead-heat would cool down and the most positive, self-possessed leader would emerge, determined to make this country, our lives, and the world a better place. The leader, not the vice-leader. 

And lipstick has nothing to do with it.

My apologies for the ranting/venting nature of this pog… my frustration runneth’ed (?!) over and I just had to let it out for the sake of my health. And the sake of my slumber. Now I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Happy Thursday.