It takes a lot of ink to make sense of Sarah Palin.

nce again, Twitter (@littlebrownpen, in particular) bestowed a jewel upon me: the literary editors of Vanity Fair took Sarah Palin’s syntax and, yes, even her knowledge of the U.S. presidents, to task.

And I love every ink marking of it.

From VanityFair.com:

Palin’s Resignation: The Edited Version

If you watched Sarah Palin’s resignation speech, you know one thing: her high-priced speechwriters moved back to the Beltway long ago. Just how poorly constructed was the governor’s holiday-weekend address? We asked V.F.’s red-pencil-wielding executive literary editor, , together with representatives from the  and  departments, to whip it into publishable shape. Here is the colorful result.

WEB EXCLUSIVE July 20, 2009

Click HERE to view the remaining pages. They’re TOTALLY worth it, I swear.

6 Colossal Dicktators

lease tell me that I’m not the only one who had not yet uncovered the glory that is Huffington Post Comedy’s Dickipedia, a wiki of dicks??? I just found out about it today, via Twitter, and at this point, I pretty much can’t comprehend how I existed in a pre-Dickipedian world.

So, to go along with abdpbt’s Listless Mondays (which I haven’t done in way too long), I thought I’d go ahead and list my 6 favorite dicks thus far, along with some of my favorite lines from their Dickipedia entries.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering: yes, women can be dicks, too. “Dick” is a gender-neutral epithet and equal opportunity.

6 MASTER DICKTATORS:

1. Dr. Phil:

Phillip Calvin McGraw, better known as Dr. Phil, is a psychologist, author, TV personality and a dick. He is also Oprah’s bitch.

Sanctioned by the Texas State Board in 1989 for an “ethical violation” involving an “inappropriate relationship” with a 19-year-old patient, “Dr.” Phil was stripped of his license to practice psychology. (To date, Dr. Phil has not completed the conditions required by the Board of Examiners of Psychologists to regain his license, and remains unlicensed to practice psychology. Anywhere.)

In 1990, he co-founded Courtroom Sciences, Inc., a firm that advised Fortune 500 companies on how to use psychology to manipulate the justice system. It is through this company that he met Oprah Winfrey, who rewarded him with a recurring segment on her show, even though he really just wanted a Pontiac G6 like she gives everyone else. Every Tuesday for the next several years, Dr. Phil appeared on Oprah as “Relationship and Life Strategy Expert,” qualified by a failed marriage he kept secret for 30 years, plus numerous moral lapses, some illegal.

On his show, Dr. Phil pontificates on a spate of topics with which he has little expertise and, in some cases, upon which he is legally prohibited from offering advice. Of course, anyone accepting weight-loss or financial planning tips from a disbarred psychologist who has also run afoul of the Federal Trade Commission gets what they pay for.

Like any psychologist worth his salt, Dr. Phil is also an advertising shill for an online dating service.

2. Jon & Kate:

Image: http://multiples.about.com/

Jon Gosselin currently makes his home in Wernersville, a town whose Asian population literally quadrupled when he and his family moved there.

Kate Gosselin’s hobbies include berating her husband in front of a national audience, getting divorced in the most public and painful way imaginable, and ovulating.

The sextuplets were born on May 10, 2004, at the Milton S. Hershey Center, in Hershey Pennsylvania. As such, they came to be known as the “Hershey Kisses,” which, though embarrassing, is a hell of a lot better than the “Hershey Squirts,” as their nickname easily could have been.

Together, Jon and Kate Gosselin have the worst collective hairstyles of any couple since Kid N’ Play. Despite the plugs, Jon still somehow manages to sport a nasty meat yarmulke in back, while Kate’s can best be described as a forward-facing Flock of Seagulls.

3. Sarah Palin:

Image from RunnersWorld.com

The only thing Sarah Palin seems to enjoy more than having children is giving those children ridiculous names and inadequate sex education. Should she birth any further issue—and she very well might—it is entirely possible she will name it Trix Rabbit Palin.

Sarah Palin’s political views are totally cribbed from the “Focus on the Family” website. Pro-life, unless you’re talking about the life of a criminal; limited government involvement in people’s lives, unless those people have a uterus or are gay and want to get married; and guns for whoever wants them, as many as they like, unless they look Islamic, in which case they should be detained indefinitely, preferably naked and arranged in a human pyramid.

On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain performed perhaps the greatest political mindfuck in American history by announcing that he had chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin celebrated by ovulating.

4. Donald Rumsfeld:

Like many dicks, Donald Rumsfeld is a product of the Ivy League, attending Princeton University, which is pretty impressive, considering how Jewy his last name sounds. While at Princeton, Rumsfeld roomed with another future Secretary of Defense Frank Carlucci. You can imagine there wasn’t much partying in that room, but probably a fair amount of clandestine masturbation.

Nixon was recorded on tape calling Donald Rumsfeld a “ruthless little bastard.” This is the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid him.

Donald Rumsfeld is also noted for taking a special interest in crafting Defense Department propaganda, personally weighing in on interrogation techniques, and tacitly approving of the destruction of priceless cultural artifacts. So while many people—knee-jerk liberals, for instance, the kind of people who shop at Whole Foods—liked to call President Bush a Nazi, they clearly had the wrong guy.

5. Elisabeth Hasselbeck:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a former reality show contestant—not even the winner, mind you, or even the runner-up—who somehow became co-host of one of the most popular daytime talk shows of all time, and a dick. Though not especially well informed, Hasselbeck is, nonetheless, an irritatingly vocal supporter of conservative viewpoints. Also, she bears a striking resemblance to one of those “It’s a Small World” animatronic robots they have at Disneyland, if those robots were programmed by Sean Hannity.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a panelist on The View, the program that pioneered the format of four women jabbering over each other for an hour and a half, interspersed with commercials for Boniva and a special kind of yogurt that promises to regulate your bowels. In this capacity, Hasselbeck’s main duties involve baiting the other panelists to drop the F-bomb on national TV and attaining a level of shrillness that would make most testicles re-ascend. Of course, anyone with external genitalia really has no business watching The View, so it would serve them right.

The morning after Barack Obama won the election, Elisabeth Hasselbeck appeared on The View in funereal black to deliver her “concession.” Despite predictions, she did not choke to death on her own tongue.

The Hasselbecks have two children, a girl and a boy, Grace Elizabeth and Jonathan Taylor, apparently named after the washed-up teenie-bopper heartthrob who played the wisecracking middle kid on Home Improvement.

It’s a safe bet that Elisabeth Hasselbeck has never taken a dump in a public restroom, and even at home hovers over the seat.

6. Warren Jeffs:

Jeffs proves the age-old adage that anyone can be famous, but to gain real notoriety you need to get caught getting it on with an eighth-grader. Just ask Roman Polanski. Or R. Kelly.

Jeffs is the son of Rulon T. Jeffs, the original unquestioned omnipotent leader of the FLDS. Known to his followers by the creeptacularly pervball nickname “Uncle Rulon,” the elder Jeffs proved hornier than Tommy Lee on an ecstasy binge, fathering about 60 children with several dozen wives. Upon his death in 2002, Warren Jeffs assumed his father’s place in the church, his father’s nickname, and, within one week, all but two of his father’s wives. This effectively made him “Uncle Brother Stepfather Warren.”

Jeffs spent the better parts of 2005 and 2006 facing, unlawfully fleeing, then ultimately hiding from, various statutory rape charges. Interestingly enough, he actually resurfaced in June 2006, for one day, to perform more child bride ceremonies. To many, this was the extralegal underage wedding officiant’s equivalent of the Beatles’ famous impromptu rooftop concert.

But, come on, a dick is a dick, so you might as well check out all of them in HuffPostComedy’s DICKIPEDIA DIRECTORY. But be careful: you’ll spend HOURS…

(*Initial “P” found HERE. All photos above from Dickipedia.org unless otherwise indicated)

Wacky Wednesday.

 

etween Cello Scrotum and 3-D porn, I am left befuddled yet highly entertained by the news snippets I’ve received today. And extremely grateful that there’s no 3-D Cello Scrotum.

Anyway, here are some prime excerpts from the story at The Times online regarding the Big Cello Scrotum Scandal (BCSS) of 2009:

What about female cellists, huh?! (Image: easyart.co.uk)

Until this week, cellists worldwide had reason to fear a terrible malady. Worse than fiddler’s neck, flautist’s chin or even the dreaded guitarist’s nipple was the condition known as “cello scrotum.” The condition was named in the British Medical Journal, and thereafter in an array of reviews of musician’s aches and pains.

Nearly all such reviews referred to a letter to the journal in 1974 from John Murphy, husband of Dr. Elaine Murphy, who noted that he had once come across a case of cello scrotum. But Dr. Elaine Murphy, now Baroness Murphy, has now admitted that the letter she drafted with her husband was a hoax, a practical joke that the couple have been “dining out on” ever since.

So, first of all, I’d never heard of “guitarist’s nipple,” either (am I alone with this?), which sounds incredibly unpleasant. I instantly picture a sort of nipple “tuner”… that must be tightened… ouch. Anyway, apparently musician-ing (?) proves detrimental to one’s health. And to one’s erogenous zones. Even the British Medical Journal said so!

I definitely wasn’t made aware of this information when I played percussion in fifth through ninth grades. Shouldn’t there at least have been a permission slip for my parents to sign or something? But no, unsuspecting, innocent band members were left to fend for themselves against the infliction of, oh I don’t know, Timpani Crotch or something.

On that (very discordant) note, let’s continue with the article:

In a letter to the BMJ, prompted by yet another reference to the ailment in the journal last month, the couple wrote: “Perhaps after 34 years it’s time for us to confess that we invented cello scrotum.”

Their letter of 1974 was in response to a missive from a Dr. Curtis regarding a skin irritation that he had seen among classical guitarists. After many hours with the instrument pressed against their chests, the musicians had developed guitarist’s nipple.

“We thought it highly likely to be a spoof and decided to go one further by submitting a letter pretending to have noted a similar phenomenon in cellists, signed by the non-doctor one of us,” the couple wrote. “Somewhat to our astonishment, the letter was published.”

I guess the British Medical Journal doesn’t follow up on physicians’ claims?  I wonder if any (doctored) photo documentation of guitarist’s nipple or cello scrotum was sent along with the letters? For my part, I just did a Google Image search of “guitar nipple,” and the results revealed scary images that I’m pretty sure had nothing to do with guitars.

Oh, but here’s the best part of the Times article. In 1991, an American dermatologist and cellist by the name of Dr. Philip Shapiro questioned the legitimacy of cello scrotum in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology. Check out Shapiro’s words of wisdom:

“I wrote a letter to the editor saying the condition didn’t make sense. Being a cellist myself I knew that the cello comes nowhere near one’s scrotum. You would have to be doing something fairly extreme to get that by playing the cello,” he said.

He suggested that any such performance would not be tolerated in polite society. “Otherwise, given the angle of the cello, you would have to have pretty enormous bollocks,” he said.

But… wait a second. Does that mean there could be a condition called Cello Bollocks? Hmm. In any event, in closing, Shapiro offered a picture of himself playing the cello along with the following explanation:

“Just as people sometimes scratch their heads repetitively, some also scratch their genitals,” [Shapiro] said, “some of those people might also play the cello.”

So true. Hoaxes are so fun, though. Like that time when John McCain named Sarah Palin as his VP candidate! That was so hilarious! Good one, McCain — you totally got us!

Wait, what? Oh. Oops. Moving on…

And as if fake genital conditions weren’t enough, now we have to worry about fake genital “conditions” in 3-D, flailing sweatily at our heads! AHHHH! 

Yeah, because porn stars aren’t scary enough in hi-def. Clearly. Pff. Umm, nice work 3-D techies, but I don’t really care to see mullet-man or chick-with-bruised-thighs three-dimensionally corkscrewing themselves together two millimeters from my line of vision. Or even two-dimensionally corkscrewing themselves together. Or even together AT ALL. But, in case you do, here’s what Wired online has to tell you:

Shooting will begin in April on what’s being billed as the world’s first 3-D erotic film, according to its producer.

Stephen Shiu Jr., chairman of One Dollar Production, says 3D Sex and Zen will push the envelope content-wise while helping thwart piracy.

“Just imagine that you’ll be watching it as if you were sitting beside the bed,” he told the South China Morning Post. “There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimeters from the audience.”

The porn move is only natural as filmmakers like DreamWorks Animation’s Jeffrey Katzenberg hail new 3-D technology as Hollywood’s savior. DreamWorks is producing all its upcoming animated movies in 3-D, starting with Monsters vs. Aliens, which is set for a March 27 release.

3D Sex and Zen, with a reported budget of $3.9 million, is a sequel to 1991’s Sex and Zen, which was based loosely on 17th-century Chinese book The Carnal Prayer Mat by Li Yu.

It’s always the 17th-century Chinese mysticists that are so unfailingly hardcore. F*ck.

Word.

Sarah Palin loves Johnny Hallyday. Duh.

f you haven’t already heard about this and/or haven’t actually heard the phone call, you seriously need to click “PLAY” on the video player below. Trust me. You won’t regret it. Especially if you enjoy pranks on Sarah Palin. Particularly, pranks that involve a Québecois comedy duo pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy…and SP totally falling for it…for, like, more than five minutes.

I hope you enjoy this little tidbit of pre-election humor. Uh, at the Republicans’ expense. Hee hee.

Sometimes I’m not a *total* loser.

nna e-mailed me this morning to inform me that I was voted the winner of her Sucky Sweepstakes contest! I won the $100 American Express Gift-Card!!!!! 

Needless to say, my gratitude stretches for miles, and I could bounce with joy…if I weren’t kind of, you know, NOT a bouncer. Anyway… this makes me very excited because I can now afford to buy my sister a baby shower gift, among other things. Yay!! Thanks to any and all of you who may have voted for me. Oh, and thanks to that Japanese chick for wacking her virtual husband. 

PS) Canine update: Lucy, my canine niece, is now healed and officially cone-less… and VERY happy about it.

PSS) I think I’m going to add a little entry in my right column where I display the book(s) I’m currently reading. I become so affected by the texts — whether they’re being read for the course I teach or otherwise — so… I don’t know… rather than rambling on about the books (though I can’t promise I still won’t do that on occasion), I figured I might as well just list those bad-boys on my page so you know what I’m dealing with… But do any of you even really care? Will you be tempted to leak the titles to Sarah Palin and her cronies, thereby endangering the books’ future presence in Alaskan libraries? Just curious.

Inappropriate Baby Attire, version 2.0

ore freaky-deaky clothing that appears to be created more for certain adults’ sick sense of humor than for innocent, little baby minds that can’t even pronounce the word “gross” and voice their discontent. I mean, yes, OK, I’ll admit: a couple of the onesie designs I’m about to show you did make me chuckle a bit; however, that’s precisely the point: they’re intended for adults. Wait — did I just call myself an “adult”?! That’s a gross exaggeration in itself. But anyway, my point is that we shouldn’t use our kids as our own humoristic-verging-on-sick-and-perverted marketing ploys.

So then, allow me to introduce my second inaugural

INAPPROPRIATE BABY ATTIRE 

pog, this time courtesy of TShirtHell.com:

Decent Arab. Oxymoron?

t’s been all over the news already and referenced by political analysts and late night talk show hosts alike: at a recent campaign rally for the Republican Presidential nominee, a white-haired McPalinist woman by the name of Gayle Quinnell proclaimed, “He’s an Arab,” in reference to Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama. McCain swiftly stole back the microphone and corrected Quinnell in an unmistakably flustered (and stuttered) fashion:“No, ma’am,” McCain stated. “He’s a decent family man –citizen– that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. And that’s what this campaign is all about. He’s not. Thank you.” (You can watch the video of the exchange HERE)

Now, that’s all well and good, and there’s little doubt that McMuppet really did possess genuine, good intentions and truly does consider Obama a “decent family man –citizen,” but… umm… well… I suppose I just wasn’t aware that being a “decent family man –citizen” and being an Arab were mutually exclusive? I guess I’m just ill-informed.

But you know what else I found out, from one of my very dearest, most cherished friends, who just so happens to be an Arab? He was ill-informed, too!!!! He didn’t know that “decent Arab” was an oxymoron! We’re so naive and sheltered. I guess we’ve been studying at the wrong university. And I guess my friend grew up in a pseudo-Arab culture or something. Sucks to be us. I wonder if Gayle Quinnell offers online courses in cultural awareness? I’ll have to look into it.

Anyway, it’s just completely frustrating and infuriating to witness such a blatant lack of regard for any individual (let alone an entire ethnic group) that does not subscribe to the stereotypically WASPy notions of “decency.” 

Fortunately, we have CNN journalist Campbell Brown (host of CNN’s “Campbell Brown: Election Center”), who did not shrink back from addressing the ignorance (and racism) and the hatred fueled by such careless comments as the one uttered by McCain at his rally, nor did she mince words when acknowledging the media’s guilt as well. Brown states:

Now, I commend Sen. McCain for correcting that woman, for setting the record straight. But I do have one question — so what if he was? So what if Obama was Arab or Muslim? So what if John McCain was Arab or Muslim? Would it matter?

When did that become a disqualifier for higher office in our country? When did Arab and Muslim become dirty words? The equivalent of dishonorable or radical? Whenever this gets raised, the implication is that there is something wrong with being an Arab-American or a Muslim. And the media is complicit here, too. 

We’ve all been too quick to accept the idea that calling someone Muslim is a slur.

I feel like I am stating the obvious here, but apparently it needs to be said: There is a difference between radical Muslims who support jihad against America and Muslims who want to practice their religion freely and have normal lives like anyone else. 

We can’t tolerate this ignorance — not in the media, not on the campaign trail.

Of course, he’s not an Arab. Of course, he’s not a Muslim. But honestly, it shouldn’t matter. (Source: CNN.com)

12 things the doctors didn’t tell me

 spent last week in the hospital. It was awesome. Hospitals rule. The cuisine, the patient couture, the gentle caresses and words of encouragement from everyone that passes by your door… what’s not to love?!?

OK, I suck at lying.

So yeah, hospitals suck. They suck HARD. But I didn’t have to tell you that. 

But what I did want to tell you are the things that I wish I had heard while I was in the hospital. Because it would appear as though doctors, nurses, and other medical staffers operate under some cryptic type of frigid honor code or something, whereby actual emotion and genuine thought-sharing is strictly verboten (In other words, if you watch Grey’s Anatomy, it’s like all hospital employees are emotionally constipated and have morphed into Christina Yang).

It’s not like I think doctors should lie to patients and/or avoid reality in order to boost patients’ spirits or something. FAR FROM IT. But shouldn’t doctors/nurses/staffers also be trained in common sense helpful, supportive interaction and encouragement for patients? and create an atmosphere of comfort in an otherwise sterile, stoic, stingy environment??? I think some supportive words are the least the medical professionals could offer us after charging us a bajillion dollars per test, pill, and X-Ray.

Are you with me?!? Can I get a “hell yeah!”?!? So, here we go…

Things I never heard while in the hospital, but wish that I had:

1. “That johnny makes your @ss look great!”

2. “And tomorrow for breakfast: pains au chocolat, buttermilk pancakes, quiche, and freshly squeezed orange juice.”

3. “Sure, turn your TV and/or music up as loud as you want! You won’t disturb anyone.”

4. “Of course you can get Friendly’s Reese’s Pieces Sundaes through room service. What’s that? Yes, and Thai food too.”

5. “We would be happy to tape/TiVo your favorite shows that you miss due to our stupid tests and procedures.” 

6. “Yep, your dog is welcome to come visit or even stay overnight with you.”

7. “Yes, it has all but been medically proven that Sarah Palin suffers from delusions of grandeur and that she is speaking-impaired. Oh, and she probably has rabies from carelessly kissing too many pitbulls.”

8. “Would you like your bed pan tiled in Moroccan mosaics or embellished with Swarovski crystals?”

9. “Yes, feel free to knock back some stiff ones if it’ll help put you at ease.”

10. “Would you rather be discharged onto a red carpet or directly into a pimped-out limo?”

11. “Yes, our magazines and other reading materials are current and not from April 2007. We even have pornos so you can laugh at gross dudes with mullets!”

12. “Each time we draw your blood, you get your choice of: a) all-you-can-eat spoonfuls of chocolate-chip cookie dough, b) an all-over body massage by your choice of hot doctor, c) a free cut-and-color from a Newbury Street salon. Oh screw it, we’ll give you all three!”

This is another week, another list, another homage to Anna at abdpbt.com:

Palin Poetics

ello, everyone. It’s been a week now since I’ve been blog-less. It was totally freakin’ rough. I’m not sure how I survived. In fact, I almost didn’t. Picture a very tiny, shredded thread, and some unmanicured fingernails clenched and hanging by it. Yeah, that was me. Or, I guess I should say “that was I.” Might as well be grammatically correct while professing my near-death experience.

In any event, now my unmanicured fingers are back on my iMac, typin’ to the oldies. Wellness is restored in my world.

So, of course, my first post back in “well world” is Palin-related. I’ve missed ripping on her too much. So I just have to. And then I’ll stray and post some other non-Palin stuff, I promise. But for now… let’s enjoy some Palin Poetics, shall we?

From the lovely Slate.com, a few of my favorite Palinisms, in verse:

1. “Befoulers of the Verbiage”

It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals, 
As he was having to explain afterwards, 
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American. 
And of course that is strong, 
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there, 
Again based on verbiage.
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

2. “On Good and Evil”

It is obvious to me 
Who the good guys are in this one
And who the bad guys are. 
The bad guys are the ones 
Who say Israel is a stinking corpse, 
And should be wiped off 
The face of the earth. 

That’s not a good guy.
(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

3. “Haiku” 

These corporations. 
Today it was AIG, 
Important call, there. 
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

4. “Small Mayors”

You know, 
Small mayors, 
Mayors of small towns— 
Quote, unquote—
They’re on the front lines.
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 19, 2008)