Word.

592.5-and-a-third bajillion ways to ensure blog traffic jams at intersections of boob flashing and Oprah appearances. Also: make money!

1)  Spotted: doggies taking dumps on lawns that are not theirs. Owners looking at their cellphones, pretending not to notice.

Discuss.

17.4) Why, when we want to stand up for something, do we stage sit-ins?

Discuss.

648 ÷ 3) If “Joe the Plumber” had plumber’s butt (which, let’s face it, he does. ALL plumbers do. It’s like a pre-requisite), then would McPalin call him “Joe the Plumber’s Butt”? Because that would create grammatical confusion, causing the listening public to think that McPalin were talking specifically about “Joe the Plumber”’s posterior… rather than generally about “Joe the Plumber,” who just so happens to suffer from plumber’s butt. See what I’m sayin’? And I know that Palin isn’t exactly a fan of grammar (not ENGLISH grammar anyway, as far as I can tell), but I still can’t help but wonder if maybe they’d change the reference to “Joe Plumber-Butt.”

Discuss.

578 + ∏) Chew on this: In his Intimate Journals, the nineteenth-century French poet Charles Baudelaire (arguably the first “modern poet” of our time) questioned: “What is Love?” Clearly not a fan of rhetorical questions, Baudelaire then supplied the answer, which he then amended with a thoughtful syllogism:

What is Love?
The need to emerge from oneself.
Man is an animal which adores.
To adore is to sacrifice and prostitute oneself.
Thus all Love is prostitution.

That’s right: we are all prostitutes. Which leads me to ask: WHERE THE HELL’S MY MONEY, B*TCH?!? But… I *am* a fan of rhetorical questions. So, let’s move on, shall we? (don’t answer that — it’s rhetorical)

Just in case you weren’t sufficiently shocked-and-awed by that little Love=Prostitution equation, my dear Baudie chose to go one step further by stating:

The most prostitute of all beings is the Supreme Being, God Himself, since for each man he is the friend above all others; since he is the common, inexhaustible found of Love.

Discuss.

Wait, before you discuss, please allow me to share that I freakin’ LOVE Baudelaire, and throwing a few uncontextualized lines at you essentially equates to a crime of poetics, but… hey, I’m already a prostitute and on the road to eternal hell-fire, so… I don’t give a sh*t.

OK. Now discuss.

∜177,410,282,401) If McPalin wins tomorrow, and if I decide to find a job in Canada and/or Europe (as a direct result of the McPalin win), would that make me a quitter/ex-patriot, or just really freakin’ smart?

(*Note: if you are questioning my smarts re: becoming an émigrée, I’d like to point very strongly — as strongly as a finger can point — to the movie Sicko, which basically proves that the American healthcare system blows chunks and rapes us any chance it gets. Meanwhile, Frenchies are getting free nannies and a bajillion months off from work and free laundry service and free classes for sophisticatedly tying scarves and free pastry-making workshops and… the list goes on. I mean, seriously, Michael Moore might as well have called the movie Why Americans Are F*cking R*tarded For Still Living in America. I say this with the utmost amount of love and respect for my country. Which George W. has f*cked.)

Discuss.

592.5-and-a-third bajillion) I know a guy whose favorite flavor Starburst Fruit Chew is pink. OK, wait, that’s a color, not a flavor. What flavor is pink in the original Starburst pack? Strawberry, right? And then the red Starburst is cherry? Which I don’t really get, because, I mean, if you compare strawberries and cherries, couldn’t you make the argument that sometimes strawberries are a darker shade of red than cherries? I mean, strawberries aren’t PINK, right? So why’d they get the shaft and have to have the sucky pink wrapper, huh? Though, I guess strawberry yogurt and strawberry ice cream are pink rather than red. Whatever. I just don’t like pink. It’s, like, my LEAST-favorite Starburst, actually. Also, I’ve never heard of ANYONE who privileged the pink Starburst. I’d say the most common preference is for Red/Cherry. And this general Red/Cherry predilection has suited me very well — particularly when snacking on the ‘Bursts at a movie theatre — because my personal favorites are Orange and Yellow, preferably together (oh yeah, I am WILD with the fruit chews, baby. STEP. OFF.). 

Discuss.

And, oh yeah, this is another listless Monday. Anna, represent. Word.

The election is coming…maybe I should suspend my blog.

eah, right.

But here are some funny/inspiring images regarding the election-in-less-than-a-week (!!!) that I just can’t seem to get enough of. And I just ended a sentence with a preposition. Cr@p. See what this election is doing to me?!?

 

UnitedChange, by Shawn Hazen

Rock the Vote, by Shepard Fairey

http://www.yeehawindustries.com

YesWeCarve.com (hee hee)

Decent Arab. Oxymoron?

t’s been all over the news already and referenced by political analysts and late night talk show hosts alike: at a recent campaign rally for the Republican Presidential nominee, a white-haired McPalinist woman by the name of Gayle Quinnell proclaimed, “He’s an Arab,” in reference to Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama. McCain swiftly stole back the microphone and corrected Quinnell in an unmistakably flustered (and stuttered) fashion:“No, ma’am,” McCain stated. “He’s a decent family man –citizen– that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. And that’s what this campaign is all about. He’s not. Thank you.” (You can watch the video of the exchange HERE)

Now, that’s all well and good, and there’s little doubt that McMuppet really did possess genuine, good intentions and truly does consider Obama a “decent family man –citizen,” but… umm… well… I suppose I just wasn’t aware that being a “decent family man –citizen” and being an Arab were mutually exclusive? I guess I’m just ill-informed.

But you know what else I found out, from one of my very dearest, most cherished friends, who just so happens to be an Arab? He was ill-informed, too!!!! He didn’t know that “decent Arab” was an oxymoron! We’re so naive and sheltered. I guess we’ve been studying at the wrong university. And I guess my friend grew up in a pseudo-Arab culture or something. Sucks to be us. I wonder if Gayle Quinnell offers online courses in cultural awareness? I’ll have to look into it.

Anyway, it’s just completely frustrating and infuriating to witness such a blatant lack of regard for any individual (let alone an entire ethnic group) that does not subscribe to the stereotypically WASPy notions of “decency.” 

Fortunately, we have CNN journalist Campbell Brown (host of CNN’s “Campbell Brown: Election Center”), who did not shrink back from addressing the ignorance (and racism) and the hatred fueled by such careless comments as the one uttered by McCain at his rally, nor did she mince words when acknowledging the media’s guilt as well. Brown states:

Now, I commend Sen. McCain for correcting that woman, for setting the record straight. But I do have one question — so what if he was? So what if Obama was Arab or Muslim? So what if John McCain was Arab or Muslim? Would it matter?

When did that become a disqualifier for higher office in our country? When did Arab and Muslim become dirty words? The equivalent of dishonorable or radical? Whenever this gets raised, the implication is that there is something wrong with being an Arab-American or a Muslim. And the media is complicit here, too. 

We’ve all been too quick to accept the idea that calling someone Muslim is a slur.

I feel like I am stating the obvious here, but apparently it needs to be said: There is a difference between radical Muslims who support jihad against America and Muslims who want to practice their religion freely and have normal lives like anyone else. 

We can’t tolerate this ignorance — not in the media, not on the campaign trail.

Of course, he’s not an Arab. Of course, he’s not a Muslim. But honestly, it shouldn’t matter. (Source: CNN.com)

Debatin’ (drink) with Sarah Palin (drink)!

f I were a drinkin’ girl and didn’t have a cr@pload of gradin’ to do tonight, I’d enforce a drinkin’ game for the VP Debate that involves takin’ a drink every time Sarah Palin disses the “g” on words endin’ in the “-ing” suffix.

Example: “Ya know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause I can’t even tell ya one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve been elected mayor of the great town ‘a Wasilla, Alaska.”

Gun-totin' (drink) Palin (drink)!

If you wanna (drink) get REALLY crazy, you could take a drink every time she says “ya” or shortens any word into a slacked-off version of its correct usage. An’ (drink) if ya (drink) wanna (drink) go ahead ‘n (drink) try that game, the above quote would be lookin’ (drink) somethin’ (drink) like this:

Example: ”Ya (drink) know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause (drink) I can’t even tell ya (drink) one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve (drink) been elected mayor of the great town ‘a (drink) Wasilla, Alaska.”

Ya (drink) know what? I’m actually beginnin’ (drink) to have doubts that her last name is really “Palin.” For all we know, it’s really PALING, and she’s just bein’ (drink) lazy.

How Epcot may save Sarah Palin…

s the stocks rumble and tumble and stumble and Bryant Gumbel (?!), I figured everyone could use a little pick-me-up. Or should I say a pick-YOU-up? Oh, whatever.

In any case, it is my sincere hope that some of you find the following at least a little chuckle-worthy. Consider it my 2008 Stock Market Crash Gift, especially for you. I know I know, you don’t have to tell me how kind and generous I am.

So, here’s the scoop: the one Onion that doesn’t cause me indigestion exclusively reports that Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is turning to Walt Disney World’s Epcot Center for comprehensive foreign policy cramming before the big Vice Presidential Debate on Thursday night. Word on the street is that she and her cronies plan to bribe Joe Biden and their debate audience with small toys from the Japan Pavilion’s ”The Kitahara Collection of Tin-Toys.” We’re onto you, S-Pay.

Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot
SEPTEMBER 29, 2008

ORLANDO, FL—Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin sought to silence those who have criticized her lack of foreign affairs experience Tuesday by announcing plans for a weeklong, 10-nation tour of Walt Disney World’s Epcot. According to Palin, the trip—her first past Frontierland—will include speaking engagements at Norway’s famous Viking ride, sausages at Germany’s Kaufhaus, and, time permitting, a fact-finding mission to Future World. “This ambitious trip should finally demonstrate that I am ready to assume the vice presidency, whether by standing in long lines at Morocco’s Tangierine Café or by sitting down face-to-face with Mexico’s Three Caballeros,” Palin announced during a campaign stop outside a Chinese restaurant in Tulsa, OK. “All of our neighbors deserve good diplomacy, from the Universe of Energy down to the French pavilion.” Palin also promised a visit to the American Adventure exhibit before returning home, adding that she hoped to learn more about her own nation and the diverse peoples within. (Source: THE ONION.COM)

Premature Ejac—Declaration.

mm, somebody jumped the gun. And, despite what you may think, that gun-jumper is not Sarah Palin; it’s her geriatric cohort, my friends. It’s John McCain and his campaign cronies, my friends. And it only makes McCain look even more senile, my friends.

Check it out: this morning’s online edition of The Wall Street Journal looked a little something like this:

Anybody notice a problem? Umm… a problem surrounding a certain Presidential Candidate, my friends? Uh-huh, there you go. Apparently, McCain and his cronies have morphed into clairvoyants without our knowledge, and they’ve concluded that Mr. Anheuser-Busch has won the first Presidential Debate… which is to be held tonight… in Oxford, MS… at 9pm EST. In other words: it hasn’t happened yet. So, unless the McCain camp maintains a direct line to Miss Cleo, this ad was a big “OOPSIE” in the land of campaign advertising.

Hmm, I can’t help but wonder if the McCain peeps have also prepared a “MCCAIN LOSES!” ad? You know, just in case his psychic friends were wrong.

I can’t wait for this debate… my friends.

Cocaine-wielding priests. And the McPalin effect.

ne of my favorite blogs to consult on a daily basis, University Diaries, introduced me to the two stories that I share with you below (I bow before thee, oh wise guru of all things scandalously academic!). Margaret Soltan (Wizard of Oz behind the UD curtain and English Professor at George Washington U.) offers snippets and commentary on daily, university-related news. There are often multiple posts per day because, let’s face it: we got lotsa shiz goin’ down in higher education, ya dig? Word.

STORY NUMÉRO UN:

On the (Nicole Richie-slim) chance that you’ve forgotten about that whole Catholic Church child abuse scandal thing, one University of Illinois priest serves up a new opportunity for you to cry “FOUL!” and throw up your hands in utter disdain for clerical hypocrisy:

Urbana priest suspended after cocaine charges

Associated Press – September 11, 2008 5:24 PM ET

URBANA, Ill. (AP) – A Catholic priest on the University of Illinois campus has been suspended after being charged with selling cocaine from his church office and rectory.

The Reverend Christopher Layden pleaded not guilty Thursday to two counts of delivery of less than 1 gram of cocaine within 1,000 feet of a church and one count of possession with intent to deliver 1 to 15 grams of cocaine near a church.

Police say the 33-year-old was arrested Wednesday at St. John’s Catholic Newman Center. They say investigators found 3 grams of cocaine and drug paraphernalia.

You can find additional information (and an unfortunate mugshot of Father Layden, in which he appears significantly older than 33) HERE, on CBS.com. 

If U of I student reactions interest you, you may access another article HERE, on DailyIllini.com.  

STORY NUMÉRO DEUX:

If you have a pulse, you’ve heard all the talk about cultural divisiveness born out of the McCain-Palin (McPalin) campaign. The McPalin political agenda was nowhere more apparent than at the Republican National Convention, where both Rudy Giuliani and SP mocked the work of “community organizers” and scoffed at the Obama camp’s intellectualism and “cosmopolitanism,” thus deeming the Democrats out-of-touch with the “average American” (which apparently isn’t me). SP seems to think that we’re all runnin’ ’round with guns strapped to our back and guttin’ knives on our tool-belts as we trek through the forests after having ridden our tractors through the fields while shouting Pro-Life chants, tossing books in bonfires, and reapplying lipstick. 

Well, McDonald’s has decided to capitalize on the anti-intellectual bandwagon with their advertising campaign that introduces their (unoriginally named) “McCafé,” whose quality and prices they hope will rival Starbucks (because that’s just what we all need). They’ve released a commercial titled “Intellectuals,” which speaks directly to the issues at play within the McPalin campaign. Coincidence? I think not. We’re onto you, McDonald’s. You can put lipstick on a Chicken McNugget, but… oh, you get the point.

Stirring up the Market (The Boston Globe, 9/10/08)

McDonald’s is upping the ante in the region’s coffee wars, unveiling a new line of McCafe cappuccinos, lattes, and mochas next week and launching a media blitz promoting the golden arches’ new brews and mocking its upscale rival.

Two new McCafe television commercials, titled “Hipsters” and “Intellectuals,” take direct aim at Starbucks by featuring actors inside what looks like a Starbucks store, making fun of the Seattle coffee purveyor. In the 30-second “Intellectuals” spot, a woman sitting in a leather chair, sipping coffee in front of a fireplace with piano music playing in the background, tells her friend about McDonald’s new lattes, and says, “Now we don’t have to listen to jazz all day long.” The commercial ends with a voice-over saying, “Try McDonald’s McCafe coffees. All the coffee. Hold the attitude.”

To read additional information regarding McCafé and McDonald’s offensive and misogynistic well-intentioned ad campaign, and to watch the McDonald’s “Intellectuals” commercial, CLICK HERE. And CLICK HERE for interesting commentary on UD’s blog.
 
Customers who detest baring their ankles, genuinely love jazz, have a strong sense of South-American geography, and actually read entire books are the losers who’ll still patronize Starbucks, y’all. Shoot.

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