It takes a lot of ink to make sense of Sarah Palin.
nce again, Twitter (@littlebrownpen, in particular) bestowed a jewel upon me: the literary editors of Vanity Fair took Sarah Palin’s syntax and, yes, even her knowledge of the U.S. presidents, to task.
And I love every ink marking of it.
From VanityFair.com:
Palin’s Resignation: The Edited Version
If you watched Sarah Palin’s resignation speech, you know one thing: her high-priced speechwriters moved back to the Beltway long ago. Just how poorly constructed was the governor’s holiday-weekend address? We asked V.F.’s red-pencil-wielding executive literary editor,
, together with representatives from the
and
departments, to whip it into publishable shape. Here is the colorful result.
WEB EXCLUSIVE July 20, 2009
Click HERE to view the remaining pages. They’re TOTALLY worth it, I swear.
6 Colossal Dicktators
lease tell me that I’m not the only one who had not yet uncovered the glory that is Huffington Post Comedy’s Dickipedia, a wiki of dicks??? I just found out about it today, via Twitter, and at this point, I pretty much can’t comprehend how I existed in a pre-Dickipedian world.
So, to go along with abdpbt’s Listless Mondays (which I haven’t done in way too long), I thought I’d go ahead and list my 6 favorite dicks thus far, along with some of my favorite lines from their Dickipedia entries.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering: yes, women can be dicks, too. “Dick” is a gender-neutral epithet and equal opportunity.
6 MASTER DICKTATORS:
1. Dr. Phil:
Phillip Calvin McGraw, better known as Dr. Phil, is a psychologist, author, TV personality and a dick. He is also Oprah’s bitch.
Sanctioned by the Texas State Board in 1989 for an “ethical violation” involving an “inappropriate relationship” with a 19-year-old patient, “Dr.” Phil was stripped of his license to practice psychology. (To date, Dr. Phil has not completed the conditions required by the Board of Examiners of Psychologists to regain his license, and remains unlicensed to practice psychology. Anywhere.)
In 1990, he co-founded Courtroom Sciences, Inc., a firm that advised Fortune 500 companies on how to use psychology to manipulate the justice system. It is through this company that he met Oprah Winfrey, who rewarded him with a recurring segment on her show, even though he really just wanted a Pontiac G6 like she gives everyone else. Every Tuesday for the next several years, Dr. Phil appeared on Oprah as “Relationship and Life Strategy Expert,” qualified by a failed marriage he kept secret for 30 years, plus numerous moral lapses, some illegal.
On his show, Dr. Phil pontificates on a spate of topics with which he has little expertise and, in some cases, upon which he is legally prohibited from offering advice. Of course, anyone accepting weight-loss or financial planning tips from a disbarred psychologist who has also run afoul of the Federal Trade Commission gets what they pay for.
Like any psychologist worth his salt, Dr. Phil is also an advertising shill for an online dating service.
2. Jon & Kate:
Image: http://multiples.about.com/
Jon Gosselin currently makes his home in Wernersville, a town whose Asian population literally quadrupled when he and his family moved there.
Kate Gosselin’s hobbies include berating her husband in front of a national audience, getting divorced in the most public and painful way imaginable, and ovulating.
The sextuplets were born on May 10, 2004, at the Milton S. Hershey Center, in Hershey Pennsylvania. As such, they came to be known as the “Hershey Kisses,” which, though embarrassing, is a hell of a lot better than the “Hershey Squirts,” as their nickname easily could have been.
Together, Jon and Kate Gosselin have the worst collective hairstyles of any couple since Kid N’ Play. Despite the plugs, Jon still somehow manages to sport a nasty meat yarmulke in back, while Kate’s can best be described as a forward-facing Flock of Seagulls.
3. Sarah Palin:
Image from RunnersWorld.com
The only thing Sarah Palin seems to enjoy more than having children is giving those children ridiculous names and inadequate sex education. Should she birth any further issue—and she very well might—it is entirely possible she will name it Trix Rabbit Palin.
Sarah Palin’s political views are totally cribbed from the “Focus on the Family” website. Pro-life, unless you’re talking about the life of a criminal; limited government involvement in people’s lives, unless those people have a uterus or are gay and want to get married; and guns for whoever wants them, as many as they like, unless they look Islamic, in which case they should be detained indefinitely, preferably naked and arranged in a human pyramid.
On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain performed perhaps the greatest political mindfuck in American history by announcing that he had chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin celebrated by ovulating.
4. Donald Rumsfeld:
Like many dicks, Donald Rumsfeld is a product of the Ivy League, attending Princeton University, which is pretty impressive, considering how Jewy his last name sounds. While at Princeton, Rumsfeld roomed with another future Secretary of Defense Frank Carlucci. You can imagine there wasn’t much partying in that room, but probably a fair amount of clandestine masturbation.
Nixon was recorded on tape calling Donald Rumsfeld a “ruthless little bastard.” This is the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid him.
Donald Rumsfeld is also noted for taking a special interest in crafting Defense Department propaganda, personally weighing in on interrogation techniques, and tacitly approving of the destruction of priceless cultural artifacts. So while many people—knee-jerk liberals, for instance, the kind of people who shop at Whole Foods—liked to call President Bush a Nazi, they clearly had the wrong guy.
5. Elisabeth Hasselbeck:
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a former reality show contestant—not even the winner, mind you, or even the runner-up—who somehow became co-host of one of the most popular daytime talk shows of all time, and a dick. Though not especially well informed, Hasselbeck is, nonetheless, an irritatingly vocal supporter of conservative viewpoints. Also, she bears a striking resemblance to one of those “It’s a Small World” animatronic robots they have at Disneyland, if those robots were programmed by Sean Hannity.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a panelist on The View, the program that pioneered the format of four women jabbering over each other for an hour and a half, interspersed with commercials for Boniva and a special kind of yogurt that promises to regulate your bowels. In this capacity, Hasselbeck’s main duties involve baiting the other panelists to drop the F-bomb on national TV and attaining a level of shrillness that would make most testicles re-ascend. Of course, anyone with external genitalia really has no business watching The View, so it would serve them right.
The morning after Barack Obama won the election, Elisabeth Hasselbeck appeared on The View in funereal black to deliver her “concession.” Despite predictions, she did not choke to death on her own tongue.
The Hasselbecks have two children, a girl and a boy, Grace Elizabeth and Jonathan Taylor, apparently named after the washed-up teenie-bopper heartthrob who played the wisecracking middle kid on Home Improvement.
It’s a safe bet that Elisabeth Hasselbeck has never taken a dump in a public restroom, and even at home hovers over the seat.
6. Warren Jeffs:
Jeffs proves the age-old adage that anyone can be famous, but to gain real notoriety you need to get caught getting it on with an eighth-grader. Just ask Roman Polanski. Or R. Kelly.
Jeffs is the son of Rulon T. Jeffs, the original unquestioned omnipotent leader of the FLDS. Known to his followers by the creeptacularly pervball nickname “Uncle Rulon,” the elder Jeffs proved hornier than Tommy Lee on an ecstasy binge, fathering about 60 children with several dozen wives. Upon his death in 2002, Warren Jeffs assumed his father’s place in the church, his father’s nickname, and, within one week, all but two of his father’s wives. This effectively made him “Uncle Brother Stepfather Warren.”
Jeffs spent the better parts of 2005 and 2006 facing, unlawfully fleeing, then ultimately hiding from, various statutory rape charges. Interestingly enough, he actually resurfaced in June 2006, for one day, to perform more child bride ceremonies. To many, this was the extralegal underage wedding officiant’s equivalent of the Beatles’ famous impromptu rooftop concert.
But, come on, a dick is a dick, so you might as well check out all of them in HuffPostComedy’s DICKIPEDIA DIRECTORY. But be careful: you’ll spend HOURS…
(*Initial “P” found HERE. All photos above from Dickipedia.org unless otherwise indicated)
Sarah Gump
he August 2009 Runner’s World interview and accompanying photos of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin pretty much prove, literally, that she’s ditching her governorship to focus instead on her Forrest Gump-like passion for “run-ni-ing-g,” whether that may be “run-ni-ing-g” for the 2012 Presidential Election (which I’m almost hoping will happen strictly for the material she’ll provide all humorists), or “run-ni-ing-g” for a position as a rightist Oprah talk show host who will frequently feature segments on maximizing the BumpIt™ and how to partner the latest rimless eyewear fashions with hot pants and ASICS®.
And how to do yoga poses while still looking like a lipsticked hockey mom that could obliterate a moose at a moment’s notice.
Stay tuned.
In the meantime, please enjoy this excerpt from Sarah Gump’s Runners’ World interview, in which she uses hard-hitting descriptives like “crappy” and totally rips the McCain staff a new one for not letting her upstage him run everyday.
If you go a day or a week without running, what do you learn about yourself?
I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it’s always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity. A great frustration I had during the campaign was when the McCain staff wouldn’t carve out time for me to go for a run. The days never went as well if I couldn’t get out there and sweat.Did you raise that issue, and put the ultimatum down that you needed to run?
Absolutely, and they would say, “Yes, in a couple of days we’re going to start carving out that half-hour or hour to run,” and too often it never happened, and that was frustrating.
I’m sure there are some people who are gonna take the “Sarah Palin likes it hot and sweaty” thing and run with it. Pun intended.
(*Initial “T” found HERE)
Nicholas Hughes & natural selection
icholas Hughes, a passionate stream ecologist and former biology professor at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, hanged himself in his Fairbanks home on March 16, 2009. Hughes was 47.
Recently, Hughes was one of the principal investigators of Alaska’s Chena River Chinook Salmon Study. You can find the related blog and Hughes’ professional profile HERE.
Dermot Cole, a columnist for the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner, dedicated today’s column to Hughes:
Photo of Nicholas Hughes from Dermot Cole's column
FAIRBANKS — Nicholas Hughes, who died last week at 47, found a home in Fairbanks for much of his adult life, discovering a perfect place to pursue the full depth of his lifelong curiosity about fish and the outdoors.
After earning a bachelor of science degree and a master of science degree at Oxford University in England, where Nick spent his childhood, Hughes became a prominent fisheries scientist at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, where he earned a doctorate in 1991 and joined the faculty.
He made lasting friendships in Fairbanks with those who shared his inventive interests in such varied pursuits as stream ecology, pottery, woodworking, boating, bicycling, gardening and cooking the perfect pecan pie. Nick guided many people in the winter to spots along the Tanana to savor the art of burbot fishing through the ice.
He spent countless summer hours in his research of grayling and salmon in the Chena River, exhibiting all the patience and wonder that defines a great fisherman. One of his innovations was rigging underwater cameras to get a three-dimensional view of the fish feeding in the passing current.
Many of the best days of his life were in the company of his partner Christine Hunter, also a biologist. He resigned from the faculty more than two years ago, but continued his research.
Photo of Nicholas Hughes from www.chenakings.org/people/
Nick spent time in New Zealand as well as Alaska pursuing all aspects of his research. His writing was as clear as a grayling stream.
In 2004, he published a paper in which he offered an explanation of why larger fish tend to swim upstream farther from the river bank than smaller fish. This seems counterintuitive, he said, because the current is faster in the middle which would require more energy to overcome. Natural selection would work against that, it seems.
“One explanation for this apparently paradoxical behavior is that large fish swim further from the bank to avoid wave drag, the resistance associated with the generation of surface waves when swimming close to the surface,” he said.
The topics of natural selection and the “energy to overcome” prove especially poignant (and eerie) considering the unfortunate history with depression that haunted the Hughes family.
Nicholas Hughes is survived by his sister, Frieda, who released the following statement to Britain’s Times Online:
It is with profound sorrow that I must announce the death of my brother, Nicholas Hughes, who died by his own hand on Monday 16th March 2009 at his home in Alaska. He had been battling depression for some time.
His lifelong fascination with fish and fishing was a strong and shared bond with our father (many of whose poems were about the natural world). He was a loving brother, a loyal friend to those who knew him and, despite the vagaries that life threw at him, he maintained an almost childlike innocence and enthusiasm for the next project or plan.
Nicholas and Frieda are the children of poets Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes.
Many news outlets (and bloggers) have already scooped up the “legacy of suicide” headline and dripped it all over the internet. I’d rather not venture into that territory, but if you’re interested, here are some objective and not-so-objective stories:
1. Frieda Hughes waltzed gracefully (albeit a bit cautiously) into the literary world and has established herself as a poet, author, and artist. If you’re interested in her work, here’s a brief Q&A that she did with Time Magazine in 2007. She also has her own website, which you can find HERE.
2. Reuters
4. Times Online
6. CNN
7. A discussion of the genetics of depression and suicide and a rather inflammatory Op-Ed piece by Judith Flanders, both at The Guardian
(*Initial “N” found HERE)
Sometimes I’m not a *total* loser.
nna e-mailed me this morning to inform me that I was voted the winner of her Sucky Sweepstakes contest! I won the $100 American Express Gift-Card!!!!!
Needless to say, my gratitude stretches for miles, and I could bounce with joy…if I weren’t kind of, you know, NOT a bouncer. Anyway… this makes me very excited because I can now afford to buy my sister a baby shower gift, among other things. Yay!! Thanks to any and all of you who may have voted for me. Oh, and thanks to that Japanese chick for wacking her virtual husband.
PS) Canine update: Lucy, my canine niece, is now healed and officially cone-less… and VERY happy about it.
PSS) I think I’m going to add a little entry in my right column where I display the book(s) I’m currently reading. I become so affected by the texts — whether they’re being read for the course I teach or otherwise — so… I don’t know… rather than rambling on about the books (though I can’t promise I still won’t do that on occasion), I figured I might as well just list those bad-boys on my page so you know what I’m dealing with… But do any of you even really care? Will you be tempted to leak the titles to Sarah Palin and her cronies, thereby endangering the books’ future presence in Alaskan libraries? Just curious.
Palin Poetics
ello, everyone. It’s been a week now since I’ve been blog-less. It was totally freakin’ rough. I’m not sure how I survived. In fact, I almost didn’t. Picture a very tiny, shredded thread, and some unmanicured fingernails clenched and hanging by it. Yeah, that was me. Or, I guess I should say “that was I.” Might as well be grammatically correct while professing my near-death experience.
In any event, now my unmanicured fingers are back on my iMac, typin’ to the oldies. Wellness is restored in my world.
So, of course, my first post back in “well world” is Palin-related. I’ve missed ripping on her too much. So I just have to. And then I’ll stray and post some other non-Palin stuff, I promise. But for now… let’s enjoy some Palin Poetics, shall we?
From the lovely Slate.com, a few of my favorite Palinisms, in verse:
1. “Befoulers of the Verbiage”
It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals,
As he was having to explain afterwards,
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American.
And of course that is strong,
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there,
Again based on verbiage.
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)
2. “On Good and Evil”
It is obvious to me
Who the good guys are in this one
And who the bad guys are.
The bad guys are the ones
Who say Israel is a stinking corpse,
And should be wiped off
The face of the earth.
That’s not a good guy.
(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)
3. “Haiku”
These corporations.
Today it was AIG,
Important call, there.
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)
4. “Small Mayors”
You know,
Small mayors,
Mayors of small towns—
Quote, unquote—
They’re on the front lines.
(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 19, 2008)
Saturday Acronym, Palin-inspired
News headlines in acronym format, inspired by Governor Palin’s VP Debate performance:
upport group to be formed for six-pack efficianados NOT named Joe. Say it ain’t so!
laska to adopt pitbull as state bird.
rig Palin absent from campaign photo ops since this afternoon. DSS alerted.
ltra Last Red Blood-Drawn-From-A-Pitbull Long-Wearing Lipstick now available from N.Y.C. Cosmetics.
eading un-banned Dostoyevski or Nabokov now counts as foreign policy experience.
rop the “g” on “-ing” words, earn a tax break.
nswer all questions with either “special needs,” “maverick,” “special needs,” “yer darn right,” “special needs,” “God’s will,” “special needs,” “ole boys’ network,” “special needs,” or “nuke-yuh-lerr,” earn a new huntin’ rifle.
ell at pregnant rape victims to choose life, earn a wink.
Debatin’ (drink) with Sarah Palin (drink)!
f I were a drinkin’ girl and didn’t have a cr@pload of gradin’ to do tonight, I’d enforce a drinkin’ game for the VP Debate that involves takin’ a drink every time Sarah Palin disses the “g” on words endin’ in the “-ing” suffix.
Example: “Ya know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause I can’t even tell ya one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve been elected mayor of the great town ‘a Wasilla, Alaska.”
Gun-totin' (drink) Palin (drink)!
If you wanna (drink) get REALLY crazy, you could take a drink every time she says “ya” or shortens any word into a slacked-off version of its correct usage. An’ (drink) if ya (drink) wanna (drink) go ahead ‘n (drink) try that game, the above quote would be lookin’ (drink) somethin’ (drink) like this:
Example: ”Ya (drink) know, Joe, I’m beginnin’ (drink) to think you’re right about me missin’ (drink) some brain cells and havin’ (drink) a few screws loose, ’cause (drink) I can’t even tell ya (drink) one single book or magazine I’ve read since bein’ (drink) so blessed and privileged to’ve (drink) been elected mayor of the great town ‘a (drink) Wasilla, Alaska.”
Ya (drink) know what? I’m actually beginnin’ (drink) to have doubts that her last name is really “Palin.” For all we know, it’s really PALING, and she’s just bein’ (drink) lazy.
7 Things I… cr@p, I forgot what I was going to say.
So I’ll just make it up as I go along. I’m my blog creator and, as such, not unlike He-Man, I…HAVE…THE POWERRRR!
1. I am so freaking sick of hearing all the economists and financial experts and Max Headroom-esque talking heads discussing Wall Street and Main Street, Main Street and Wall Street, MainWallWallMainSHUT-THE-F-UP! I mean, as if there are no other streets sweeping the nation. And yes, I fully realize that “Main Street” is meant figuratively to represent the typical American town. I know. I get it. All I’m saying is, it seems rather reductive and dismissive of the pluralistic nature of our society/country/economic system. Plus, I mean, HELLO, what about all the boulevards and avenues and drives and lanes and circles and terraces and…?!?! Not nice to discriminate and force our country into a simplistic, crappy binary of one street versus another street, Max Headroom. Not nice at all. Oh, and furthermore, check this: my town doesn’t even have a stinkin’ Main Street!!!! We do, however (unfortunately?), have a Wall Street. Go figure.
2. I can’t believe my plants aren’t dead yet. I have six. They are ALL thriving. It’s like they’re mocking me. They’re just sitting there, all passive and needy, soaking up sunlight and air and nutrients in the soil and stuff. Meanwhile, here I am rapidly deteriorating, skin getting scalier by the millisecond, and water and my nutrients-meds seem to help about as much as Russia’s proximity to Alaska aids SP’s foreign policy experience. I wanna just hang out in the sun all day too, but noooooooooooo…! Stupid plants.
3. What’s wrong with Rumer Willis’s face? Too much Bruce, not enough Demi. She must seriously hate life.
4. I totally have a crush on my writing dude. Is “writing dude” vague? OK, I’ll clarify: so, all the first-time writing fellows (such as myself) were required to register for a weekly “class” (which I like to refer to as our “support group”) so that we can air out our concerns, ask for suggestions, and generally pat each other on the back on a weekly basis. We also receive methodology and pedagogical help from our new Writing Program Director, whom I shall call… Aloysius (just go with it). So anyway, Aloysius comes to us from IvyLeagueSchool’s English Department. And he’s nothing if not highly brilliant and highly affable, which are generally two adjectives that are not said in the same breath. Which only intensifies the crush quotient. Also, he has this really cool leather messenger bag+briefcase hybrid, and who can’t appreciate THAT?! Also, he’s (prematurely) bald. And I’m pretty sure that if I ran my hand over his smooth cranium, it would appropriately squeak with cleanliness. Oh, Aloysius, why must you tease me so, with your stellar academic gear and head hygiene? Did I mention he taught a course on the Victorians at IvyLeagueSchool? Yeah. Like I’m ALMOST supposed to be able to handle that.
5. I obsess over the Paper Source and pretty much any other card/stationery store I come across. If you’ve ever checked out my other blog, Words&Eggs, you’re already familiar with this. It’s a disease, really. But not one I ever care to cure. Anyway, yesterday at my Paper Source Church, I bought this awesome leather-bound journal (no lines, please — I am not a fan of lines) which I have since labeled my “Creative Journal.” I have decided to take Paper Source’s tagline “Do Something Creative Everyday” quite literally. Therefore, everyday, I will write and/or draw and/or post found images or mementos or photos, etc. in my lovely little journal. Whatever the heck I want. No holds-barred, baby. Because… I miss my creative self. I miss it more and more as I get sucked into the Limitless Abyss that is Academia. ps) Paper Source has already stocked their collection of holiday cards, which almost resulted in cardiac arrest. MINE.
6. My sister’s pregnant with twins. It’s her first pregnancy. I’m going to be a first-time Auntie!!!! 
She’s a little over five months along now. And, as her devoted, dutiful sister, I am organizing a baby shower for her. Only, I’ve never attended a baby shower, let alone throw one. Let alone cook anything other than grilled cheese and mac & cheese and soup. Also, what’s up with those lame-and-freaky “baby shower games”?? Just the mention of it leads my mind ‘a reelin’, ultimately spewing out the words “DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.” So, if any of you have any suggestions for low-impact food ideas and/or pseudo-”games” (aka, ACTIVITIES. I definitely prefer the word ACTIVITIES), holla atcha girl. (umm, me)
7. Is it VP Debate night yet? Because I’m throwing a party, so I want to be sure I’m sufficiently prepared. I’m making Pistol-Packin’ Palin (pistol-shaped) Peanut-Butter Cookies. OK, so if you just read #6, then you know I don’t/can’t cook. I didn’t lie. My cookies consist of Pillsbury’s pre-made dough, which I then sculpt and mold into desirable objects… which inevitably end up looking like glorified chicken drumsticks. This is all assuming, of course, that I didn’t hoss all the cookie-dough prior to baking. And fall into a Salmonella coma.
Umm… I think I’m done.
Oh, but I did want to mention that this pointless list has been inspired by the lovely Anna at “abdpbt.”
“Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines.”
ina Fey reprised her role as Sarah Palin on last night’s episode of “Saturday Night Live.” This time, Amy Poehler portrayed Katie Couric and spoofed the now-infamous (and laughable) CBS interview with Governor Palin.
Re: meeting with foreign leaders in NYC last week:
Fey: “They embraced me, both figuratively, and, a couple of them Pakistani guys, LITERALLY!”
ENJOY!
