Lip List

OK, before I move on to my Monday List, please allow me to address the cracked-out elephant whisping around the room: 

Oh, Drew. Drew Drew Drew… you’ve had your share of fashion f*ck-ups, it’s true:

But you’ve also proven that you know your fashion sh*t:

So… OK. It’s OK. I get it… we all have our learning curve… our own timeline… one step forward, two steps back, yada yada. So, I’ll be patient with you, and I’ll retain hope and faith that this:

never happens again. ps) you and your pal Jessica Lange were sippin’ some of the secret sauce before the Globes ceremony, weren’t you? It’s OK. Our secret. 

Now then… In keeping with the cracked-out Hollywood theme — wait, one more thing: I actually really really like Drew Barrymore. Truly. Despite stunts like those pictured above, her obviously genuine demeanor has always stood out, and I’ve always admired her “I could give a sh*t what you think” attitude. And… come on… two words: E.T.. Way too cute for her own good. And she still is. OK, tangent over. Back to my cracked-out Hollywood list. I’ve decided to make a Lip List. That is, I am going to attempt to enumerate those celebrities who’ve gone a little bit majorly freakin’ overboard on the whole collagen thing. As a result, they look like honorary members of The Dark Crystal and, therefore, inhabit my nightmares and freak the living h*ll out of me. 

Lippy stars of The Dark Crystal

List of the scariest lips in Hollywood:

(in alphabetical order by scary celebrity)

1. Lara Flynn Boyle. Remember when she dated Jack Nicholson? ALMOST as scary as this:

2. Courteney Cox was so much cooler when she was snappin’ her fingers on stage with Springsteen.

3. Kathie Lee Gifford has always been obnoxious and scary. So I really don’t have anything else to say.

4. Melanie Griffiths. I am led to wonder whether the collagen was a pre- or post-Antonio development? Either way, those lips speak volumes about the MG-AB dynamic.

5. Nicole Kidman. Good ‘ole Nic. I used to be rather infatuated with her in high school — particularly her spirally red curls and her “screw you”/Ms. Independent attitude in Far and Away. And then she had to go and dye her head blonde and straighten it out and tighten her face and plump her lips. And now she just makes me sad.

6. Jeff Lewis, who is very gay and very OCD, and I LOVE him for it and want to be his straight girlfriend. I also want to be his new assistant: the guy definitely needs some help in the lip department, what can I say?

7. Heidi Montag. As if her choice in Spencer were not terrifying enough, she had to go and choose to do this: 

8. Brittany Murphy. CLUELESS:

 

9. Dolly Parton clearly took some time off from her 9 to 5 work schedule to get some other kind of work done:

10. Joan Rivers. The hypocrisy of THIS woman judging how OTHER people look on the red carpet is pure insanity.

11. Meg Ryan used to be that cute girl from When Harry Met Sally, remember? 

12. Big-time Golden Globe winner last night, Mickey Rourke. He kinda looks like Michael Myers of Halloween fame. Not a compliment.

13. Jessica Simpson. Chicken of the Sea.

13. Ivana Trump can clearly afford to look nothing like what she used to look like.

14. Kim Vo, “Shear Genius” host and celebrity hairstylist for the likes of Britney. Maybe Britney paid him to do that?

Another Monday, another list: