Abandonment, Season 1: CANCELED.

n my world, the joyful holidays would not be complete without the inevitable, inescapable feelings of abandonment.

First, you go “home” again. There, you convene with family and friends, try “festive” on for size and, for a few brief moments, feel like it might even fit. Then you stumble upon the cornucopia of stupidly fattening foods that will eventually make your @ss explode, but your mouth says carpe diem and you stuff five more cookies in your face before you even think about caring. Suddenly, while sinking into your food/dessert coma, you find yourself singing along to sappy lyrics from sappy songs about being “snuggled up together like two birds of a feather could be,” which really marks the beginning of the end as you recognize that you’re one bird of a rather flimsy feather, and there ain’t no snugglin’ goin’ on. And then you drive your freakin’ cracked-windshield Honda Civic back to Boston in the bitter cold and stop for a fill-up and some food, and the Golden Arches promises hope in the form of a giant Egg Nog Milkshake, but the nameless voice of doom at the other end of the speaker tells you “NO MORE.” No more bird of a feather, no more cookies à volonté, no more Grandma hugs, and no more freakin’ Egg Nog Shakes, got it??? Sh*t.

Either you’re leaving someone, or someone’s leaving you at the holidays. And that just SUCKS. Especially when that “someone” is an angelically flavored ice creamy anti-depressant.

So, in light of the severe  mild abandonment issues I’ve been coping with lately (and by “coping with,” I mean “watching TV to escape from”), I thought I’d jump on the Listless Monday bandwagon and make a list of all my favorite TV shows that have also cruelly left me hangin’, dry-mouthed and broken-hearted.

Television and movies have always been my escape method of choice. And of necessity, really. And, before the days of TiVo and DVR, you had to rely on the weekly network schedule to produce that escape route. When shows got pre-empted because of some mindless, long-@ss football game? I was pretty much traumatized for days, suffering the most severe forms of escape withdrawal. Which usually involved foaming at the mouth and downing a whole box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. But when network execs decided to play Robespierre and hack the heads off of the friends fictitious characters to whom I most profoundly related, well… I couldn’t take their Reign of Terror lying down! Oh no. I stood up. And ran to the nearest video store. Once the shows were on VHS. D@mn it.

Anyway, the following amazingly brilliant shows were wrongfully guillotined in their infancy, after only the first season, thereby leaving me to weep in despair and overdose on Reese’s Pieces in my bedroom. Oh, I’m also including a favorite quote or two from each show. Just for kicks. Just because I can. 

Top Four TV Shows That Abandoned Me (yet occasionally visit via DVD): 

1. My So-Called Life (1994). Quite possibly the best coming-of-age television drama EVER, let alone the best one with a female protagonist (The Wonder Years takes my carrot cake for best coming-of-age show with a male protagonist). Honestly? I firmly believe that every single character on this show was complex enough to have his/her own show. There could have been a ton of spin-offs if anyone felt like it. Particularly with Brian, who was hilarious, and who did, in fact, have “his” own episode, “The Life of Brian,” narrated entirely by him. But, of course, Claire Danes was as brilliant and awkward as they come. Also, two words: Jordan Catalano. 
Angela: People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even.

2. Relativity (1996-1997). Relativity birthed itself into existence my junior year of college, just after I returned from my semester abroad in France. I didn’t have culture shock when I arrived in France, but I definitely had some type of thunder bolt hit me once I came back to the US. But Relativity centered on a girl who had gone to Italy to pursue her passions and just so happened to meet magnificence-in-the-form-of-a-dude while she was there, and… well, the girl was played by the insanely likable Kimberly Williams(-Paisley, though I prefer to think of her as NOT being married to a country singer). You know Kimberly Williams… she was the one in the Father of the Bride movies? Oh, and Randall Batinkoff was in it, whom I had been mildly infatuated with ever since seeing him in School Ties and the TV adaptation of the book series Christy (which is another show that got prematurely canceled, after just two seasons, and which starred Kellie “Becca” Martin and some oddly attractive, older Scottish dude). Anyway, I’m pretty sure the Friday scheduling was Relativity’s kiss of death. Isn’t that ALWAYS the kiss of death? I mean, *I’m* always a loner at home watching TV on a Friday night, but… I recognize and acknowledge that the general public has a life. ps) Same creator/writer as My So-Called Life. Go figure. I don’t have a quote for this one, d@mn it. It was too short-lived, and IMDB.com isn’t being nice to me.

3. Freaks and Geeks (1999-2000). I discovered Freaks & Geeks, rather randomly, on ABC Family, after it had already originally aired on ABC. I couldn’t believe I had never even heard of it… let alone that ABCFamily had the balls to broadcast a show that included intelligent adolescent and societal commentary on a bunch of pot smokers (led by the then-anonymous James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel). Freaks and Geeks was the brainchild of Judd Apatow. You might have heard of him. He went on to make a gajillion dollars with movies such as The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Anchorman, Knocked Up, Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall… I’ll stop. Another intelligent coming-of-age show with a female lead, AND it was set in the 1980’s Midwest? You had me at “Freak.”

Sam: What am I gonna say to Cindy? 
Bill: Don’t say anything. Be dominant. It’s all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it’s a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate. 
Sam: Are you drunk? 
Bill: I think so, yes I am. 
Sam: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don’t drink any more. 
Bill: [after Sam leaves] That’s very dominant. 

4. Related (2005-2006). I’ve mentioned this show to people recently, and nobody knows what the h*ll I’m talking about. Except for my friend M, who bore a similar obsession with the Sorelli sisters. It was an hour-long drama on the newly minted WB/UPN hybrid, the CW, so… I think people were generally skeptical and expected that all new shows would resemble Dawson’s Creek or something. Which is, I would guess, the main reason for the failure of this show. It was picked up by the wrong freakin’ network. The CW is home to rich-b*tch high schoolers who OD on sex, drugs, self-absorption, and Louis Vuitton (not necessarily in that order). The CW is also home to America’s Next Top Model, which I suck down like Courtney Love and her crack pipe, so I better be quiet. But Related was a compelling family saga about four sisters and their widower father coping with life after Mom and a lot of unsatisfying identity-searching. And Lizzy Caplan played Marjee Sorelli! And she RULES! (and then she was in a little sitcom called The Class on CBS, scheduled just after How I Met Your Mother, and I thought it was hilarious. But then that got hacked, too) So… that was sad.
Rose Sorelli: I transferred from Pre-Med to the Experimental Theater wing. 
University Registration Lady: Your parents must be so proud. 
—–
Rose: Why am I always at the bottom of the phone chain? 
Marjee: Because you’re the youngest and we don’t care about your feelings.

*NOTE: I placed the above shows in chronological order per abandonment date, NOT in order of residual abandonment issues. Though I’m pretty sure My So-Called Life would still be number one.

And there are a TONNNNNNN of shows that got canceled either in their prime or after they had run their course, and those were sad too. (I’m talkin’ to you, Arrested Development, Wonder Years, Gilmore Girls, Felicity, Once & Again, Everwood, et al.)

But the four above hurt the most. They were so young and bright-eyed, with so much potential… and yet they were ruthlessly killed into TV oblivion, thereby abandoning me and so many others. WHY WHY WHYYYYY?!? I mean, sure, there are some shows that should DEFINITELY get the axe. Like, who the h*ll thought Cavemen would be a good idea?!? Seriously. Issues. I didn’t even notice that the Cavemen had abandoned me. That was fine. But Angela Chase and then Lindsay Weir?! Way to kick a girl while she’s down, TV people. MEAN.

Happy HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!